until the grass is green again (ohalmostnever) wrote in killers_slash,
until the grass is green again

In the studio....

Hi :) Just a little something I had tucked away. It's kind of Brandon/Dave...
It's not very structured,though,and not particularly good. I can't decide whether to continue or not. Comments are love! Anyway,here you go;

You know that there is no point in entertaining the idea. No benefit will come of it, if anything you know it'll just hurt you more. Nothing can ever happen,so why torture yourself? But to forget about it, to stop thinking constantly about the possibility,to stop torturing yourself...that would take a bit of logic, and you were never a big fan of logic, were you? Hell,feeling this way in the first place wasn't exactly logical,but here you are,feeling it. Sometimes,you just can't stop yourself from closing your eyes tight,shutting out everything around you,as you envelope yourself into your fantasy world and imagine what it would be like. You hate yourself for it,you really do, and it makes things awkward between you and you know,you know that he wonders what the fuck is going on in your head sometimes. You wonder about that yourself. You hate it when you see him smile at you, and you force yourself to look blankly at him,your eyes boring into his forehead(you can't bring yourself to catch his eye),and you watch as the smile dissipates and dissolves away. You hate how self conscious he becomes, how he is so confused and hurt that he stumbles over his words or forgets a note or looks distant,anything that will annoy the other guys and make them mad at him. You hate how your selfishness, your lack of self control,has lead to this almost constant tension between the two of you and is pushing,no, pulling you apart. You find it so difficult to talk to him socially now,it's so hard to have any kind of professional relationship with him actually. You hate yourself for it. You can see how badly you are hurting him and he doesn't even know why. As much as you hate to see him smile at you, now that those endearingly goofy grins are few and far between,you hate it even more. You hate yourself. You're such a coward, and everyone is suffering as a result. You can't get a song together after all these weeks and you wonder sometimes how long it will take for him to finally crack and give up. Every day he is more defeated,more reserved and he doesn't even come out for lunch anymore(which has its own pros and cons). He just sits there listlessly,either staring at something in the distance or bent over,crying furiously into the palms of his hands. He doesn't know you know. You've only watched him when you were very weak,and couldn't control yourself. When you could get away with it. It kills you to see him like this,to see the rabid fear and loneliness in those hazel orbs,the epitomes of vulnerability. You don't let yourself feel it,though. Because that would really kill you. You know that if you really,honestly took it all in, you'd begin to entertain the idea again and Jesus knows you can't do that. It amazes you that he can still look so beautiful when he is like this,though. the bewildered expression that captures his face, the vicious frustration that possesses his whole body,the steely glint of fear in his eye...it's all you can think about. Until you stop yourself.


So,what do you think? Should I continue? :)

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